I write about my own experiences mostly. And I find that in the dark I’m not afraid because I can peel off all of what I am and reveal the raw underside of when all the masks fall off.

Mental health is an important part of overall health and I have come to see that my mind is my biggest enemy.

I know that I am successful, beautiful, and that I have attributes that make me seem like a whole person. But I also know that I am a broken, sad, PTSD riddled individual. Show me a trigger and watch me shake down to my core until I can’t take the pain anymore. And then another mask appears allowing me to lock my emotions behind a thick oak door. I hear them banging and begging to be let out but I smile and pretend I live a life where I have no doubts.

I work, and paint, write music, sing along, clean, and cook, play, and walk, run, and laugh. But you’d never guess it was all a mask.

A mask for all the pain I internally feel. I hide in my anxiety I know that the pain is in my mind that it’s not real. That I’m hurting myself internally but it’s so hard to switch the narrative and be true to the person I want to be.

I want so badly to actually love myself. Maybe my masks help me fake it until I make it there. Maybe they hide me too.

Like trying to lay your head down but still looking out just slightly through your long hair.

My anxiety will not let up. It will not ease unless I talk it out. Push it back out of my mind. Lock it behind a door and break the key so I can never go back in time.

But choosing to let it go means I also have to stand my ground. Stick to my boundaries and stop letting you come around.

No matter how much I love you. I need to love me more. I need to choose to let you go because loving you is allowing this beast in my mind to roam free.

If you have thoughts that you can’t control seek help. Don’t go at it alone. This blog has helped me subside and work through so much pain. Find what works for you!

With Love,

Gv Rioz