Poetry With Me

I’m working at it… I’m trying… I’m releasing…. I’m breathing…

Life has been breaking me down at every angle and I am forcing myself to stay afloat.

But what if I didn’t? What if I allowed for the water to over take me and drown me thoroughly?

Would it change who I am? At my core, would I finally be able to not feel as much as I do?

To not hurt and feel abandoned by my own emotions is probably a gift I won’t ever receive. But I could try… I could try to hold on to consciousness if there was something to hold on to.
But I’m realizing there isn’t.

It’s just me and the storm, the river rising into my lungs and forcing my heart to beat faster and harder, the anxiety dripping all over me from head to toe.

It’s just me and I’m not enough.

Not enough of a reason to hold on.

Saying it out loud, it seems silly, how could I not be enough? I am all the things I’ve always wanted except one. How could that one thing equate all the good I am to nothing.

I don’t know.

Sadly, I don’t.

But I equate the numbers to 0. To nothing. Because that is the worth I have given myself.
And no one has ever told me different, at least no one that mattered.

So I’m choosing to drown in my sorrow, in my inability to feel loved, in my desire for more, without the comprehension of how to accept it when I receive it. I will drown it all out in the river that flows through me.

But once I’ve drowned, who will emerge from the waters?

Who will I become? When I’ve decided that my value is worth more than words a person can provide to me, when I’ve buried this anxious side who’s empty, when the river has taken all the parts of me that made me… me… Who will I be?

I guess you’ll have to wait and see.

Love,

Gv Rioz